Difficult Conversations
Regardless of how competent we are in our daily lives we inevitably face situations when we know we should have an uncomfortable conversation but are reluctant to do so. Having difficult conversations can be tricky but there are strategies that can help.
Difficult conversations revolve around a problem that you want solved. You can force a solution, or you can live with the problem. Either way someone ends up feeling terrible.
A better way to solve a problem you are having with another person is to engage in dialogue with that person. The purpose of dialogue is to understand the differences of opinion and then decide, with the other person, how to fix it.
Using dialogue as a basis for a difficult conversation means entering the conversation with curiosity rather than certainty. Curious about what the other person thinks and and not certain your story is the correct story.
A little preparation can boost your curiosity and go a long way towards supporting a successful conversation. Below are some questions to help you get started.
1. Describe the situation you would like to talk about with the other person.
What did the person do or say?
What is the impact on you?
What assumptions are you making about the other person?
Use care when thinking about what happened. There are 2 sides to every story. Consider these same questions from the other person’s perspective.
2. Identify what you contributed to the situation.
Take responsibility for your part in the difficult situation. Even when you feel like you didn’t contribute to the situation think about the less obvious ways you may have contributed such as delaying a needed conversation or being unapproachable.
3. Identify what feelings and self-esteem issues discussing this situation might trigger for you.
Our feelings are complex and are at the heart of difficult conversations. Recognize that the first name you give your emotion may not be right. For example, you may label a feeling as anger but if you think about it may be your anger is a reaction to the true feeling of hurt. By identifying your feelings upfront you have a better chance of navigating the conversation without becoming overwhelmed by your feelings.
The most painful part of these conversations can be the perceived threat to our self-esteem. The message you may hear in your head -- This problem exists because I am not courageous enough to hear what they have to say …
Self-esteem is a place of profound vulnerability. For example, having a conversation with an employee may trigger a deep-seated worry you are an ineffective supervisor.
Preparing to hear negative comments that threatens your self-esteem allows you to evaluate those comments. The negative comment may have been true in that situation but that doesn’t mean that it defines you in every situation.
Prepare for their reaction and yours.
To complete your preparation, create a short statement that describes your purpose for the conversation.
I want to give my employee some difficult feedback because I care about them and their success in the organization.
I want to discuss what happened in the meeting because I value our relationship.
I want to discuss what happened because I am hurt and confused.
How you open the conversation is another key aspect of a successful conversation.
Aim to set a tone of openness.
Begin the conversation by describing the situation in a factual way. Think of it as a neutral perspective there is no right or wrong just what is. And then invite them into the conversation. This indicates you consider them a partner in the conversation.
Example: I am really upset by what you said in front of our boss!
Becomes: I‘d like talk to you about what happened in the meeting this morning. I wanted to explain what was bothering me, and also hear your perspective on the situation. I don’t want a misunderstanding to come between our working relationship.
OR
I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?
Once the conversation is started these conversations can feel like a roller coaster of emotions. The skills you’ll need to ride this roller coaster are:
Active listening and effective inquiry. As well as checking your understanding by paraphrasing and acknowledging feelings and opinions.
Listen – Active listening requires you to quiet your internal thoughts. The easiest way to quiet that voice in your head is to remind yourself of your purpose for having the conversation. Focus on understanding the words and emotions.
Effectively inquire about their side of the story by asking open ended questions.
Help me understand…
Can you tell me more about …
Check your understanding of their story by paraphrasing what you hear.
Let me make sure I understand you...
Is this pretty close to what you mean?
Most importantly, acknowledge what they say, especially feelings.
I understand how you saw my actions as selfish.
It seems like this is important to you.
When you feel the conversation is getting off track think about your purpose for the conversation and go back and inquire about and acknowledge their story.
Effectively navigating a difficult conversation requires patience, openness and courage. Despite the perceived risks the benefits of engaging in these conversations are often significant. Genuine dialogue clears the air, promotes collaborative problem solving and can strengthen relationships.
One conversation can change everything.